It's been awhile. I just can't keep up with life. I feel like I am swimming with no shore in sight. I have been so down lately and really can't put my finger on why. I have been losing weight, taking vitamins, getting along a little better with SG......I don't know why. I feel like I never really see or spend anytime with him though and I know that is part of it. He has been gone the last 2 weekends. The first for 4 days and then last weekend just to play golf for the day...but it was the whole day and then he slept half the day the next day. I'm so tired of just existing. Then I found out he'll be gone almost the entire last 2 weeks of May. I just can't be exicited and can't even begin to act happy about it. Not only do I miss him and hate being here alone, but I just can't stop my mind from wandering about what he does when he's gone. I would love to be able to truthfully be able to tell him I hope he has a good time. Maybe one day that will be the case.
On a brighter note, only 3 weeks of school left....thank goodness. I'm so over school right now. I'm looking forward to hanging out at the beach and such with the kids. I guess alot of it will depend on how Jillian feels about hanging out there though. :)
I have an interview tomorrow with First Foto. I am actually pretty excited about it as I think it would be fun to do.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
Here goes nothing................again.
So, here I go again. I've started a blog before and then stopped....started a diary so to speak and then stopped...............but I really need an outlet. My husband thinks I write psycho things, so I hope he dosn't find this. He'll just say I sound psycho like he has said numerous times in the past. Even though I would really like for him to know how I feel, I can't tell him because he dosn't understand anyway. It sucks. It sucks because deep down I love him so much. I hate that we don't get along and he dosn't want to be with me. I have wanted to be with him from the minute I met him...........why can't we be happy?
I realize that our problems started long ago, really I do. I just wish he had deceided he didn't want to be with me a long time ago. Before we had 4 kids. I love them all dearly, but somedays, I feel like they totally messed up my life. I wonder if I could have made someone happy and been with someone who truely loved me if I could go back in time. I can't make SG happy it seems. I makes me sick to my stomach when I think of the past 8 months or so. The fact that he looked elsewhere is sickening to me. The phone records tell the tail quite well in fact. Numerous times he talked to "her" for hours and then hung up and called me. It just turns my stomach. I am trying SO hard, but I just can't get the visions out of my head. I don't know what to do. There are so many times that I feel like SG and I are just a lost cause. Heck, alot of the time he dosn't even talk to me. I want to be happy, I really really do. This seeps into all areas of my life too. I have no incentive to do many things anymore. I hate the way I look, but I just don't have the energy most days to do anything about it. I know my looks are part of SG's thoughts too. He dosn't go for girls that look like me at all. I'm the type of girl that he makes comments about and makes fun of. It hurts. It hurts so bad. The worst part......I want to make him happy. My heart aches for him to love me, to hold me, to be mine again. I just don't know if it will ever happen again.
Maybe I do sound psycho. Maybe I am crazy. I think deep down though, all girls want to feel loved, secure and safe. I don't feel either. I feel like anyday he may just pickup and be gone again. If he can leave me with 4 kids, 1 being 1 week old, we are obviously leaveable anytime. I don't feel secure at all.
Then theres me as a mom. I suck at it. I know alot of it stems from the way I feel. Because I feel so unsecure and unloved it's hard for me to feel like I am making them feel secure and loved. It sucks so much because they are growing up so fast. I would give my left arm for them to never feel this way. I want Justin and Joshua to grow up to be honest, caring and loving men and to love their wives and family with all their heart. I want them to spend time and take on half the burden of their families with a joyful heart. I can't wait to see my grandkids (not anytime soon), run to the door screaming daddy while their wife stands by and smilies waiting her turn to hug and kiss them hello. I want Jenna and JIllian to have a husband who loves them and whos thoughts never stray from the thought of them. I want them to feel so loved, so safe, so secure. To never question how thier husband feels about them or their family.
I just love all 4 of them so much it hurts. I wish I could show it more. Inside I just feel so unloved and so unsecure that I have a hard time showing it. So many nights I lie awake crying because I realize how fast they are growing up and how fast time is flying by. I cry because of what I thought my life would be like.
And you know, it's not all about me. I'm sure I'm not what SG thought he would have either. I'm sure he never pictured himself with a fat wife and 4 kids. In fact, I know he didn't.
Oh well, enough rambling for now...................off to do laundry, clean, etc.......
I realize that our problems started long ago, really I do. I just wish he had deceided he didn't want to be with me a long time ago. Before we had 4 kids. I love them all dearly, but somedays, I feel like they totally messed up my life. I wonder if I could have made someone happy and been with someone who truely loved me if I could go back in time. I can't make SG happy it seems. I makes me sick to my stomach when I think of the past 8 months or so. The fact that he looked elsewhere is sickening to me. The phone records tell the tail quite well in fact. Numerous times he talked to "her" for hours and then hung up and called me. It just turns my stomach. I am trying SO hard, but I just can't get the visions out of my head. I don't know what to do. There are so many times that I feel like SG and I are just a lost cause. Heck, alot of the time he dosn't even talk to me. I want to be happy, I really really do. This seeps into all areas of my life too. I have no incentive to do many things anymore. I hate the way I look, but I just don't have the energy most days to do anything about it. I know my looks are part of SG's thoughts too. He dosn't go for girls that look like me at all. I'm the type of girl that he makes comments about and makes fun of. It hurts. It hurts so bad. The worst part......I want to make him happy. My heart aches for him to love me, to hold me, to be mine again. I just don't know if it will ever happen again.
Maybe I do sound psycho. Maybe I am crazy. I think deep down though, all girls want to feel loved, secure and safe. I don't feel either. I feel like anyday he may just pickup and be gone again. If he can leave me with 4 kids, 1 being 1 week old, we are obviously leaveable anytime. I don't feel secure at all.
Then theres me as a mom. I suck at it. I know alot of it stems from the way I feel. Because I feel so unsecure and unloved it's hard for me to feel like I am making them feel secure and loved. It sucks so much because they are growing up so fast. I would give my left arm for them to never feel this way. I want Justin and Joshua to grow up to be honest, caring and loving men and to love their wives and family with all their heart. I want them to spend time and take on half the burden of their families with a joyful heart. I can't wait to see my grandkids (not anytime soon), run to the door screaming daddy while their wife stands by and smilies waiting her turn to hug and kiss them hello. I want Jenna and JIllian to have a husband who loves them and whos thoughts never stray from the thought of them. I want them to feel so loved, so safe, so secure. To never question how thier husband feels about them or their family.
I just love all 4 of them so much it hurts. I wish I could show it more. Inside I just feel so unloved and so unsecure that I have a hard time showing it. So many nights I lie awake crying because I realize how fast they are growing up and how fast time is flying by. I cry because of what I thought my life would be like.
And you know, it's not all about me. I'm sure I'm not what SG thought he would have either. I'm sure he never pictured himself with a fat wife and 4 kids. In fact, I know he didn't.
Oh well, enough rambling for now...................off to do laundry, clean, etc.......
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